To play it safe is not to play.

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:13:22 GMT

Wow, it's been nearly a year since the last time I've updated this thing.
Used to be kind of an obsession. At least, a strong habit.

A lot has changed and happened since I last posted here. This past year has been one for learning and growth, for sure. Change. That intangible goal I am forever chasing. I'm taking control of my own life, and while I wouldn't say that I am in that discernible state of Happy, I will say that I'm most certainly on my way there. Life is a journey, after all, and in this moment -- now -- I am trying my hardest to enjoy it, without fear.

Shawn and I rarely speak anymore. I began seeing a boy in March, which developed into a relationship. Andrew. We were together for seven months, and Shawn and I decided not to speak anymore. I was happy with Andrew, for a while, but that changed over time. I spent most of our time together insecure in the knowledge that he actually wanted to be with me... It played on my flaws and I became a person I do not like or want to be. I spent too many nights not hearing from him when he said he'd call, not seeing him when he said he'd come over. When we were together, the happiness I felt was false after a while. I couldn't feel him there with me, he wasn't connecting, and that drove me crazy. Whether I was actually in love with him, I don't know. Maybe Shawn was right and it was mostly him being so unavailable to me that made me want him more. Shawn and I began messaging each other online when Andrew started telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore. Shawn had sent the first message, about something completely unrelated, and I ended up venting my confusion all over him. He was great about it... He told me some things I really needed to hear and made me realize that maybe I was settling. That no matter how nice he was most of the time, no matter how beautiful he was or how much I liked/loved him, I deserved better than those moments I felt worthless because of his actions or words. Granted, much of those feelings of worthlessness were generated from a place deep inside me that already existed... he just threw some wood on the pilot light and it caught fire. Not entirely his fault, but certainly less than I should be striving for in a relationship.

Shawn and I aren't really talking at the moment. He was there for me as the only one who really truly knows that part of me -- the insecure, crazy lady part of me that I try to hide but runs rampant sometimes when I'm in a relationship. He has changed quite a lot since he and I stopped seeing each other. He's grown and he's still growing. Life is a journey, after all. But he has realized that he hasn't changed enough yet to continue to have contact with me. He would end up back in the same place he was before if he didn't take some more steps back. I'm proud of him for making that decision/realization on his own, and I respect it. He's a good man. I wish more people in his life would see that.

Andrew finally did leave me. I'm still unclear as to what all the true reasons were, but I am learning that it doesn't really matter. Only to the curious, controlling part of me that usually NEEDS to know. He said that he didn't like me anymore, which I understand. I became a horrible version of myself when I was with him. He said there was another girl he was interested in, at work. That hurt... a lot. A few days after we officially might never see each other again, facebook informed me that he was in a relationship with the girl at work. At first, I was about five different kinds of hurt and confused and insecure. Then I had a beautiful revelation...

I was free.

For the first time in my life, since I was 15 years old, I was free.
Free from commitment, and free from the emotional obligation I feel when I'm the one who leaves the person I've been in a relationship with. I no longer had anyone else's feelings to worry about (he left me, for once!), and was finally granted the ability to go forth and have some much-needed fun.

I'm glad for what has happened, though I'm sure there lies a layer of unhealed hurt beneath the surface, but I refuse to pay it any attention for now. I've been trying to meet new people. Mostly men. I'm speaking/texting/messaging quite a few of them at the moment. Have met and hung out with one so far. Possibly another today, actually. A couple more later in the week. We'll see what happens. I have no real plan, no goal as far as something I want romantically. But I am perfectly content to simply leap, without paying too much heed to looking first.

Andrew and the new girl split up a week or so later. He texted me in the middle of the night telling me he missed me and that he was thinking about me a lot. He said he wasn't doing all that well, though I didn't ask him to elaborate. I care about him as a person, I always will. But I told him it was best if he left me alone for now. I refuse to end up back in that all-too-familiar place in post-relationship limbo. You know, that place where you feel guilt when you go out on a date, you feel the need to hide certain things from public view for fear of hurting the ex's feelings. No more of that... The plan is to set change into motion, whatever that means. And to have no more fear about doing it.

Holey Nose!

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 00:01:43 GMT

My unholey nose.

Another before shot. Stacy and Shawn in the background. Katy drove. :)

Freshly pierced by Joe Teakle at Vicious Ink. He was awesome.

Being a dork.

The first picture taken afterward. My hands shook for a while, as you can tell.

My face is getting used to it and it's starting to look more natural on me now, the more I look at it and the more the minor bits of swelling inside disappear. I'll have to go get it tightened in a day or two, it's starting to hang out of my nose like a booger! The first ring is obviously made a little longer to make room for the swelling. I can't wait 'til I can change the jewelry, I've already been shopping around for more. Hah.

It's been a while.

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 21:11:41 GMT

I haven't been to this site in a long time.. I haven't posted an entry in 27 weeks, it says. I was in the mood to do that today, I guess.

So, the day before yesterday, I got my nose pierced. I expected the worst, of course. Expected to feel like I got punched in the face, and for my nose to swell up and get crusty and red and feel like hell for at least a week or two. Anyway, I went to Vicious Ink [http://www.myspace.com/viciousink] in Rochester. Rose [assistant manager at work] mentioned the place to me [didn't remember the name though] and when I found their MySpace I realized I'd seen it before and had wanted to visit when I would be able to get another tattoo. So, I had a good feeling about this place already, they had a semi-decent price, the guy on the phone was nice, so off I went [with Katy, Shawn, and Stacy in tow].

The guy who pierced me [Joe] was pretty cool. Kinda edged on douchey in a joking way, but once he pulled out the sharp objects and I joked about crying, he turned into a nice guy and made the process very comfortable and quick, so I was happy. Honestly, it barely hurt at all, which surprised me. Once he was done there was just a small, dull pain in my nostril on the surface, but barely any swelling or redness. I felt dizzy and kind of ill for a while, mostly because I hasn't eaten or slept much, but I'm sure it was partly because of the face trauma I had just endured as well. Haha.

We ended up staying there for a few hours because Stacy got a small tattoo while we were there. She got "DEZI" on her right arm, up by her shoulder, in blue with black outline. She plans to get the birth and death dates added later.

So, two days later I still have no infection, no redness, most of the swelling has gone down [which there wasn't much of to begin with], and I keep forgetting it's there because I can't even feel it until I accidentally wiped my nose. Which sucks a little. Hah. I got a nose screw stud, with a clear gem in it. I figured something neutral would be good if it's gonna be there for up to a couple months before I can take it out, and I had to get a stud because I have to cover it with a bandaid at work until it's healed enough to put a retainer in it.

I tried to post pictures on MySpace, but either the site is messed up, or it's because my new hard drive in this computer isn't saving the pictures in the correct format to be uploaded... I'll try again on the other computer, or see if I can upload them to photobucket so I can post some here.

Wed, 28 May 2008 02:52:41 GMT

I think a lot is going on with me right now, it's just difficult to put into words yet.
I am near a 'do or die' type of crossroads in my life.
It's scary that I don't have any clue what I am doing still, at twenty-two years old. It's scary that I know less of who I am than I did ten years ago. I am afraid a lot, but I guess at the same time I'm not. I'm changing, and I don't know if I like it. I'm trying to do something about how unhappy of a place I'm in, but it's slow in coming.
There will be school in the fall for music and photography. I'm continuing violin throughout the summer and after. I want to take Katy's advice and attempt to join some sort of dance troupe, if I can figure out how to find one.

I still have no career, though. No life goals, as far as money or my effect on the world is concerned... I want to work with animals, I'm just not sure where to go or what to do after this job I have now. I used to have such big ambitions, and I'm not sure where they went. I at least wish I understood how or when I became so incredibly lost.

Shawn and I have been broken up for more than nine months now. We see each other once in a while, which is good, though we're trying to work on our own lives on our own, without the complication of each other. He was very selfless yesterday, talking to me about my life and my problems and trying to help me. More selfless than usual. He was acting the way I used to.
He asked me to be his date to Steve and Margie's wedding this Friday, which made me happy. I'm looking forward to it, even though I can't find something to wear for the life of me and it sounds like it might rain [it's at the beach]. I had a really good time shopping with him though, he's definitely good for making that sort of experience not suck. Lol. We finally saw Partridge Creek, by the way, and it was really beautiful that day. :)

I have been entertaining the idea of becoming a housewife lately. Not anytime soon or anything, just in general. Probably because I'm lazy, but I would be able to pursue the things I love to do that won't make me any money, be with someone I love, and be taken care of financially. [Note I did not say "stay at home mom", I said housewife. Don't worry, I haven't suddenly started wanting babies.] This must be a very short, hormone-related phase. It is very un-me to be feeling.

I'm having all kinds of new insecurities coming out of the woodwork lately. It's pretty unnerving, and frustrating. I think I'm just so lost right now that nothing feels right, not even my own skin. I think also a lot of my issues with men and women and my parents and my life are only beginning to reveal their massive depths and work their way to the surface.

I'm going to the doctor soon for a back x-ray. I think my scoliosis has gotten much worse, and I need physical therapy again. Or something. Exercise. I just have to see a specialist so I don't hurt myself trying to help it on my own.

Meh.

Standing... is unexpectedly torturous sometimes.
But we do it. We stand and we walk or we sit and dream forever.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:58:09 GMT

Happy Earth Day!

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:35:29 GMT

I had good weekend, and a great night last night.

Saturday night I got out of work early and headed over to Katy's so we could go out and have fun. We ended up in a couple bars in Royal Oak [after like two hours of her getting ready], and my lovely best friend was my very first designated driver! lol. I had fun, even though we couldn't get anyone to come hang out with us. We also stopped at Meijer for Tequila I didn't drink and tobacco I'm not going to smoke. Dumb random spending, but yay for being drunk in public. Hah. Katy's old friend Sean eventually came and joined us at her apartment for a little while, but we just kinda sat around and talked. We couldn't even get her little brother and cousin and their friends to hang out with us. Haha. Oh well, we're lame.

~~Saturday~~ Sunday [yesterday] was all right. We spent most of the day being lazy and trying to figure out what to do with ourselves. I generally spent the day hungover, and eventually left for a work meeting, which was pointless. Afterward, however, was awesome. Katy came to pick me up so I could see her and Bill [guitar] and Josh [violin] play at the Wellington Pub on 18 & Rochester for open mic night. BUT since Bill, Josh, and Eric are under 21, we couldn't get in... SOO we walked next door, instruments in hand, to a cafe. They asked the owner if they could play and he was all about it! It turned out really awesome, people clapped, and the owner asked them to come back every saturday and start promoting. Also got 15% discount on coffee and they got a $5 tip. Lol. At one point, all five of us sang and played an absolutely incredible version [from where I was singing, anyway] of Hallelujah. Our voices all meshed pretty well and we kept it going for a while. I was pretty excited by that and I was so happy to actually get to sing something I knew. Lol. I'd love to be able to do that again.

Anyway, that was my weekend. And now I am late for bed because I have to be up at 6am and I haven't caught up on sleep since I stayed up 'til 5am the other night. Ugh.

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 03:23:23 GMT

It's a Friday night, and I am sitting alone in my room, knitting.
Lame.

I was pretty excited today when a box of violin stuff I ordered arrived super early. I ordered it two days ago, and the shipping was free so I expected it to take more than the 5-8 busniess days they mentioned. I bought the bon musica shoulder rest [it contours the shoulder better than the kun one i have, and it's bendable], a pad for the chin rest [which also covers the hardware that rubs against your neck when you play], a book my teacher has, a metronome / tuner, and a wire that plugs into the tuner and clips onto my violin to reduce vibration and air distortion so I know if I'm actually playing in tune. All of these things [besides the shoulder rest] were at the recommendation of my teacher, and I'm glad I bought them. I'm not sure if I really needed the book, but we'll see. The shoulder rest and chin pad make it more comfortable to hold for sure, but not quite as much as I hoped. Ah well. All of that was at very discounted prices and without s&h, so I ran with it.

I need more friends and more fun.
I need to not have 44 hours at work next week. This was supposed to be a part time job, not a 24/7 job. I wanted 3-4 days a week. That would have been perfect. Damn it. I don't want to start hating it there. I need more time to do things and have fun.

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:13:31 GMT

Why don't they ever stay?

I hope one day I can be a person that people will fight for. And be there for and love unconditionally. No matter what the circumstances.

I hope one day I'll be good enough, and people will want to be my friend.
I'm sick of being at the disposal of others. Like I'm always going to be there to pick up and put down when you need me or don't want to deal with me. This isn't about any one person in particular. It's how a lot of people make me feel in their own ways.

This hurts. I'm not an angel, but I'm not entirely sure I ever did anything to deserve the way I feel.

Don't ever allow yourself to indulge in the notion that I didn't love you more than anyone I've ever cared for. You have a vulnerable piece of me that terrifies me because I can't have it back. And I don't want it back. Because I loved you. Do you hear that? I loved you. I will not allow you to believe I didn't or that I don't.

If you have to leave, go.
But don't pretend it's for me.

i want to sing this so badly.

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 02:49:29 GMT

Well I heard there was a secret chord
that David played and it pleased the Lord.
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall, and the major lift...
The baffled King composing hallelujah.

Hallelujah...

Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof.
You saw her bathing on the roof,
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.
But she tied you to her kitchen chair,
she broke your thrown and she cut your hair
and from your lips, she drew the hallelujah.

Hallelujah...

Baby, I've been here before.
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor.
You know I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch,
but love is not a victory march,
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

Hallelujah...

There was a time you'd let me know
what's real and going on below,
but now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
The holy dove was moving too,
and every breath we drew was hallelujah!

Hallelujah...

Maybe there's a God above,
but all I ever learned from love
was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you.
It's not a cry that you hear at night,
it's not somebody who's seen the light,
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

Hallelujah, hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah.

First violin lesson.

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 03:55:52 GMT

Today was my first lesson with Annelisa [my violin teacher].
She seems like I may be her first adult student, which may intimidate her. I'm not sure if she knows just how to talk to or teach someone who isn't a little kid, but we shall see. It's been pretty awkward talking to her so far.

Most of the lesson was her tuning my instrument, putting tape on the fingerboard [to mark where I finger the notes], and eventually we played a few exercises without the bow [just plucking the strings]. It sounds so much better since she fine tuned it. My tape recorder sucks though... Ugh. Oh well.

I have to buy Suzuki book 1, even though I know she told me to buy Essential Elements. I think she wants me to have both, so I'll just do that.

She also wants me to be in the recital next month. Haha. We'll see.

So yeah, we didn't use the bow today, so I haven't made the decision as to whether I should buy a better bow yet. Mine looks and feels like crap, but maybe it will do for now. I am getting better sound than the couple of others who have picked it up, which makes me feel good. Mom picked it up tonight and made awful noises.. lol. Then I took it and kinda winged Twinkle Twinkle Little Star out of nowhere and rocked it. Mom was impressed and so was I! Hah. I'm proud, I actually figured out the whole song in one shot, just guessing where to put my fingers [based on the tape Annalisa put down, but using notes I haven't been taught yet]. I know it's silly, but I'm pretty excited. Lol.

Anyway, just thought I'd mention that and the fact that my room is less of a disaster 'cuz I've been cleaning and organizing a bit today. It looks much nicer than it did yesterday or the day before. I still have to tackle this computer desk.. Ugh. Maybe tomorrow. I need sleep before work.

Oh yeah, and Katy and I had our second lesson the other day! It was really good, she's a good teacher with a really good ear. We worked on Over the Rainbow and a sweet harmonized version of Amazing Grace. I'm pretty excited about that. I should have recorded our lesson so I can practice my warm-ups. Merr. I will next time.

Blue is dead asleep tonight. He had two half-hour walks today and a bunch of outside playtime. The poor thing is wiped out. And he keeps farting in his sleep. Oh man...

school and stuff.

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 01:35:10 GMT

I've been wanting to go to school again. I guess I don't just want to go to school, but I have interests I'm willingly to pursue in that fashion again. I would really like to go to school for music, in addition to photography. I know it's something I could do if I try, and it's something I've always wanted to be able to do. This fall I'm going to take at least one of my prereqs for photo 3 [digital], as well as music theory 1 and ear training 1. Depending how violin goes and how much I like my teacher, I may start taking lessons at school too, so I can get credit for it and use it toward a music performance certificate. It would actually be pretty easy for me to get a music certificate. If I buckled down and took five classes a semester, I could have it by Christmas 2009. I have a few of the credits already, and the rest are classes I planned to take eventually anyway. I'll probably take it slow and just have three classes this fall, so I can still work as much as possible.

I didn't really know that ten credits ago I earned a certificate of general studies. Like, a few years ago. Hah. I didn't apply for it or whatever, but I suppose I could. Only 22 more credits 'til an associate's degree of general studies! lol.

So in a month or two I'll decide if I want to start taking violin at Macomb for the spring/summer "semester", and in the fall I'll start back to school for music and photography. I'm gonna start learning and reading as much about music theory as I can, so I don't feel so overwhelmed this time and quit. The last thing I quit should be quitting, right? Right. Or something.

Yay, working too much.
I'm tired.

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 01:17:45 GMT

So, Stacy moved into Gregory's old room today. Mom and Greg took down the wallpaper, painted the walls [three white, one dark red], bought her a computer desk and chair, and finally moved her bed in there today. [We also now have a guest room, where the "hobby room" used to be.] It will probably be nice to have a whole room for my stuff and a bit of privacy, but I have to admit I'm a little bummed. There have only been about eight years in my entire life that she and I have not shared a bedroom. Kinda weird, huh? I've been getting used to laying in bed watching tv across the room from her and being able to talk and stuff. We bond. I still have the tv though, so she'll probably come hang out with me still.

Mom and Greg said my room is next. I've already moved my computer desk to where Stacy's bed was, but I'm not sure how I'll end up arranging the room. They said we're gonna paint too, so I need color suggestions! Man, it's gonna be nice having a whole closet and dresser. I like having the desk by the window now... but the internet stopped working 'cuz somethign broke. So that sucks... How much you wanna bet I'll have to pay to fix that? No, I didn't break it.

I tuned my violin yesterday all by myself. 'Cuz it was bugging me. I know, not a difficult task, but I'm proud of myself. Hah.

Finally!

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 23:36:43 GMT

The case, shoulder rest box, and my flute case. It was laundry day, excuse the bare mattress. lol.

I was surprised to find how easily I was able to make decent sound on it. Stacy and I actually figured out the beginning of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star within minutes. I'm so excited! Blue isn't quite so happy about it, however.

Hahaha...

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 01:48:53 GMT

My hand looks retarded.

I'm sitting here watching youtube videos of a violin teacher trying to explain how to hold a bow. So I've got my pencil in hand, trying to do what he says, as he refers to my hand as a bunny or itsy bitsy spider or something [he obviously teaches kids], and my mom is laughing at me 'cuz I look absolutely ridiculous. This is gonna be hard, lol.

Why isn't Wednesday here yet??

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 03:33:17 GMT

Shark is gone, and we don't think he's coming back. :(
At least I have a picture to remember him by.

I make a LOT of typos lately. My brain doesn't work anymore.

P.S. Shark is one of Rip Hamilton's [yes, of the Detroit Pistons] pitbulls who was at the pet hotel for six months. He is the absolute sweetest dog who just wants love, but Rip doesn't want him so he never came to get him. Then his bordetella vaccine expired and he had to leave.

P.P.S. My "post script" is longer than the actual "script".

P.P.P.S. [Okay, maybe I just wanted to say ppp] I really hope Rip [or someone] actually finds Shark a good home and he doesn't just get put to sleep. Really really really hope.

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 16:31:16 GMT

Well, I pick up my rental violin on Wednesday. They only had one full size and the bridge needed repair, which is why I don't have it yet. My lessons will begin the following Tuesday.

Music has always been my dream. Since I was a very little girl, it became my whole life, but always just in theory. I think, because it was so important to me to be great at singing or writing music or playing instruments [etc.], that I became too afraid of failing to ever really try my hardest and commit. I was thinking about all the bouts with music I have had, and they were all short lived. I took four voice lessons in middle school, I took one semester of voice in college, one semester of choir in college. True I took three years of choir in high school, but still. I took only a few flute lessons in 5th grade, only stayed in band for two years. I took one semester of piano 1. I tried to teach myself guitar several times, but always gave up after a few days. I think it really might just be that I am afraid to fail, so even though it might be backasswards, I end up quitting before I get to the point where one would realize 'wow... I really can't do this'.

Anyway. I keep hearing how difficult violin is going to be, and I know. And it's going to take a significant amount of time to even see progress. But I want to be talented at something beautiful. I want to love it and live music the way I always dreamed.

So, I'm going to try. And I guess that's all I can do. If I fail... well. I guess I still tried, right?

diving in

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 20:51:54 GMT

So, I think I've made a decision. I know I do this quite often, and I just as often give up.. but I need to have a passion and a talent or at least an interest that I stick with. Every time I find something new that I want to try to get into, I'm over it within days. I give up too often, and where has that gotten me? I think back to when Katy and I were little kids dreaming about making it big and being musicians and singers and I look at the two different roads we've taken that have lead us to where we are today. She's almost got a bachelor's in music, she's teaching singing lessons, she can play several instruments, she's performing... She has done and is doing something about it, and I haven't. So, I've decided to try yet another musical interest and try my hardest to commit to something for once in my life. At first the idea was to play cello, but after a few days of thinking and weighing pros and cons and whatnot, I've decided to pick up violin. I have just as much passion for the sound, it's more portable, less costly, and basically fits my current lifestyle better, for the time being. I am going to eventually learn to play the cello because I have an entirely different passion for that instrument, probably when I have more money and my own place. But I'm going to learn violin first [I'm betting cello will actually be easier to learn after violin anyway]. It's actually very inexpensive to rent, and the place where I'll be renting from and taking lessons at is just around the corner from my house. Thoughts, please?

By the way, I am still trying to work on my singing. Katy and I have only had one lesson so far, but I'm determined to better my voice. That always was and always will be my first passion. I'm excited for the next lesson we have, she's a good teacher.

P.S. Rent August Rush. It's a beautiful movie.

random myspace survey

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 17:16:15 GMT

1. If the ex who hurt you most showed up at your house with flowers and a card what would you do?
Be pretty surprised, if he got here by himself. Then I might become a bit of a bitch about the fact that I'm allergic to flowers and I think cards are stupid. But you never know, I could be receptive. Depends on how he presents himself, I guess.

2. Do you still talk to the person you kissed last?
Yes.

3. Are you a morning person or a night person?
More of a morning person, but I like staying up late when there are things to do or people to be with.

4. What is your opinion on your most recent ex?
I think he means well but never tries hard enough. He's much too afraid, and often immature, for his own good. But he's quite intelligent and funny and relatable when he isn't trying too hard.

5. Are you there for your friends?
Those who deserve it, yes.

6. Are you a forgiving person?
In general, yes. But it depends on how much you wrong me.

7. Do you smoke on the regular?
Nope.

8. Are you mad at anyone?
Yeah, I guess you could say I'm angry with a few people. I don't get mad on average, though.

9. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Nope. I should be someone's uncle though...

10. Are you pregnant?
That's a long and short story. But, I don't think so.

11. Has 2008 treated you good so far?
Not particularly, but it will get better.

12. Who were the last people you ate with?
Two plumbers and a co-worker.

13. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
Shawn.

14. What is something you do daily that your friends may not know?
Hmm.. My friends don't really know what I do on any average day. I don't talk to them enough, lol.

15. Do you know anyone who has been abused?
I'd say we've all been abused in some way or another.

16. Are you feeling uneasy about anything?
A few things, yes.

17. Do you have plans for your next bday?
Well, that's in more than ten months, so... not yet.

18. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
No, lol. I haven't really had a drunken night, period. I should though. Soon.

19. Where's your top 3rd friend right now?
My top third friend...? The wording of this question irks me too much to answer. lol.

20. Ever punched someone or been punched?
Yes.

21. Do you want children?
I hate kids. Ugh. I'll probably have some one day, but no day soon I hope.

22. You're in the hospital, who on your TOP friends comes to visit you?
I would say Shawn, but that's only if he could find a way there. Katy would come if she wasn't busy, Carol too I think. I don't know about anyone else for sure.

23. If your best friend told you she was pregnant and wanted an abortion, what would you do?
I'd sit down and talk to her to make sure that's what she wanted to do, and if so, I'd take her and go through it with her.

24. Name one thing about the opposite sex that automatically turns you on?
There is no "auto", sorry. Like Jeni said, if it's the right person, all kinds of things can turn me on.

25. Anyone from your past ever come to mind often?
Sometimes, yeah. Who totally forgets about every person they don't talk to anymore?

28. Are you a jealous person?
Nope, not in general.

29. Is your birthday on a holiday?
Um, YEAH. Jeni Day!

31. Could you ever be in a long-distance relationship?
Eh. Maybe.

32. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
I'm not sure. Probably not. I've danced under them, though. That was probably better. :)

33. Do you wish someone would call you? why?
Nah. Talking on the phone sucks. I need to call my dad one of these days though.

34. How long have you been breathing?
Well, I'm not sure. I tend to forget to do that. But in general.. my whole life of 22 years?

35. Have you cried today at all?
Actually, no. Yay!

36. What is the last alcoholic beverage you drank?
I think the mango tequila in orange juice I had a couple weeks ago. Man, I'm due.

37. Do you actually believe in perfection?
In a way, yes. I believe perfection exists with flaws. Everything is perfectly the way it should be, and if it isn't quite there yet, it will be. We may not like perfect, but there isn't much we can do about it.

38. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?
Depends on the day, but I could really use some nice sunny days for a while.

39. Have you been to New York City?
Nope. I'd like to go someday, but I'm in no rush to see the big city.

40. What do you think about before you go to bed?
Everything.

41. Take any medication?
Not currently.

42. Last time you did laundry?
About a week ago.

43. Do you fight with your parents?
Nope.

44. Just went out with a girl/guy because you were desperate and they asked you?
No. What is this desperate of which you speak? Fuck that.

45. Last voicemail you received?
Hmm... Not sure.

46. Who was the last person to lay in bed with you?
Blue. Yep, he's a person.

47. Where did you sleep last night?
In my bed, for like ten hours. It was great.

48. Where is your phone?
Charging on the kitchen counter.

49. How many close friends do you have?
2-4 ish.

50. What is your brother's name?
I don't have any real brothers, just two step ones. Eric and Gregory.

51. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Not about absolutely everything, but yes.

52. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Definitely. Whether we like it or not.

53. Do you wear glasses or contacts?
No. And hopefully I never have to... I can't stand glasses on my face for very long, and I can't do eye drops. I'm the only one in my family without glasses though, so the prospect doesn't look good.

54. Do you have your wisdom teeth?
I dunno yet.. I sure as hell hope I don't have any in there though.

55. When is your next road trip?
As soon as I can afford it, and someone else can too.

56. What are you listening to?
How loud my typing sounds in a sleeping house of dark.

57. Would rain actually stop you from going somewhere or ruin your plans?
Hell no. Rain and I are tight. Homies.

58. Do you get nervous with public speaking?
Eh, yeah I guess. But it depends on what I'm talking about. If I could sing it instead that would be easier..

59. Ever been in a wedding?
Just my mom's. And witnessed my dad's, but he didn't have a wedding party.

60. Myspace or Facebook?
Is that a question? Facebook's stupid. ["your face looks stupid!" -stacy]

61. Who sits next to you in work or school?
...No one sits by me at work. It's not really a "sitting" kind of job. And I don't go to school right now.

62. Last time you saw your best friend?
Saturday night. :)

63. What woke you up this morning?
Same as usual... I just woke up. Before I was supposed to.

64. Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
Probably not, if it's gonna follow in the trend of the rest of this past week, but once it's over I have a day off!

65. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Just doggies and my mom when she went to bed.

66. Who were the last people you rode in a car with?
Shawn, and Katy and Eric.

67. What was your first thought this morning?
No idea. Probably something along the lines of "i wonder what time it is". Who really remembers their first thought when they wake up?

68. Who do you wish you were with right now?
Right now..? Eh. My pillow. Lol.

69. Would you rather talk on the phone or chat in IM?
Depends on the person and my mood.

70. Do you listen to music everyday?
Not anymore.. I'm trying to start though, so I'll start singing again.

71. Do you miss someone?
Eh, not really I guess.

72. Are you in a bad mood?
Nope. :) I'm getting over that. The less sleep I get and the more dogs beat me up, the less seriously I am starting to take life.

73. Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
Kinda talking to Shawn on AIM.

74. What are you allergic to?
The fucking lillies across the room that are KILLING me right now. We can't keep our cats 'cuz Gregory who doesn't live here is allergic, but we can have the most potent fucking flowers on earth in the living room. Sweet.

75. What was the last thing you said out loud?
Not sure. Maybe "I love you" to my doggie.

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 16:42:30 GMT

I'm having a very trying week. I have seven days straight of working a total of around 53 hours, but the streak will end Wednesday, so that's good. I got bit somewhat badly by a dog named Bojangles yesterday, 'cuz there was a fight between him and another dog and I was breaking it up. It doesn't hurt but it looks kinda bad. Luckily it's on the back of my thigh. Hah. But it didn't rip my pants, so I was able to go about my crazy shift as normal, after having to talk to Medcor for like fifteen minutes so they can't be sued or whatever. It was silly. They wanted me to go to the hospital but we were swamped at work and I couldn't leave them short staffed, so I stayed. I somehow am also getting my period when it's not supposed to come for a week and a half.. Perfect timing, right? Not really, but I'm over it. Yay, cramps. We have around a hundred dogs at work right now, due to the Easter holiday. By the end of the week things should be calming down, though.

My family had Easter breakfast on Saturday.. the day I worked 6am - 2pm, and had Easter dinner Sunday evening, when I worked 1pm - 8:30pm. I got to eat frozen/canned crap those days. :) I love my family sometimes. /sarcasm.

I'm extremely exhausted. I ended up sleeping over ten hours last night, but it wasn't even enough. Work is really tiring, and I'm not quite caught up on rest from Saturday. I got up at 4:45am that day, worked a really tough 8-hour shift, and ended up staying up 'til midnight 'cuz Katy had a show in Pontiac [I love watching her sing, she always surprises me with how much her voice has grown since the last time I've heard her], but by the time I parked my ass in the driveway at the end of the night, I was basically sleepwalking. But it's all good.

As tired as I've been and the way shitty thing after shitty thing has been happening, I'm surprisingly doing all right. Attitude-wise, I guess. I'm really looking forward to my one day off though. That'll be nice.

Blue threw up today. :(
Probably 'cuz he had so much Easter dinner last night. My dog ate better than I did yesterday. And the day before. 'Cuz I was at work, enjoying my leftover pizza and canned Dinty Moore stew while plumbers pulled shit out of a clogged drain in the breakroom with a really loud snake machine. :) But I'm not bitter. lol. Just venting. Have a nice day!

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 16:39:09 GMT

Last night I had a long, troubling dream. I went on an adventure, and came back blind. I was trying to hide it from everyone, but started to realize just how helpless I had become. I couldn't do my job, I couldn't make my way through life without constant danger.. I was going to tell Katy, but I couldn't right away. I woke up really glad that I do have my sight. I couldn't bear to never see sunlight and green grass and blue sky again. I hope that I always have all of my senses. I guess I could do without smell.. but then it might effect taste, and that's no good. Something to think about, I guess. Enjoy your day. It's the first of spring, finally. :)

Proud! lol.

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:06:00 GMT

St. Patty's night turned out to be nice and chill. Shawn and I met up with Katy and Eric at the Donut Factory 'cuz I wanted some fried chicken. We hung out and talked there for a while, then ended up at Trixie's and I had another delicious smoothie there. Stawberry pear. Mmm. Tropical mango is amazing too. Healthy delicious things like smoothies are way too expensive though, if you ask me. There were only a couple other people at the cafe and we ended up playing Egyptian Ratscrew! That was fun. Katy and I played speed, too. Haven't played either of those in a while. Cards in general, actually. Kinda funny, Katy and I ended up talking about the night [probably at least 8 years ago] she and Stella and me played Speed 'til something like 5 in the morning, and I stated how that was the first time we stayed up that late where it was actually getting hard to do it. Every time I've tried to stay up all night since then I haven't been able to do it without feeling like absolute crap. Sucks getting old, huh?

Anyway, when Trixie's closed at 1am, we parted ways and I stayed the night at Shawn's. I laid down at 2am... and gave up trying to sleep at about 6am. We got up and went to breakfast by like 8 and went back to my house. That was the first time in a lot of years that I was able to skip an entire night's sleep and go through my entire next day pretty much uneffected. Yay, I'm not old!

Broke the towel rack in Greg's bedroom though... Shawn and I did. Long.. well actually pretty short story, but I won't tell it here. Hah. I'm proud of myself for running to Lowe's and fixing the rack [and subsequent hole in the wall...] before mom or Greg got home. My first sneaky crafty little kid thing! lol. I just didn't want to deal with how Greg would react. Now just to wait until it falls again and he sees the putty in the wall...

I ended up going to bed around 10:30pm last night, still not even tired. I fell asleep eventually and had to draaag my sleepy ass out of bed at about 11:30 this morning. I seriously got about 12 hours straight and then a broken 45 minutes where I tried to get up but kept falling back asleep. I could have stayed in bed 'til about 2, if I didn't have to work today. Maybe I'm not THAT young anymore. lol. I'm really glad I showered last night instead of waiting for the morning. That would have sucked.

I realize this was a boring entry to you, but I felt like writing some bullshit. Lol. You'll get over it.

an exercise, jotted down

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 05:28:26 GMT

your name became a question;
an ultimatum of my own.
to be, or not to be around
to see the end.

~*~*~*~

your words fall to pieces
in places never meant.
your eyes are searching,
not for truth,
but what they wish to find.

sooner or later i'll work back up to real poetry. it's been a while, obviously. just thought i'd put a thought on virtual paper, for a start.

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 07:32:33 GMT

i don't feel like i can sleep until i get something out of me.

i don't quite know what it is...

carefully carelessly wandering 'round
this twisted resistance from nothing
i've found that the tree rises slowly
from stooping from rain
she dries as the days allow
ease from her pain

i hate when i rhyme. ugh. that's how long it's been since i've written anything of value... all that comes out is some sort of childish rhythm. i suppose that's what the practice was supposed to be for.

your love is like the cacao bean
wouldn't it be lovely if i could make that sound the way i hear it in my head?
bitter and vile as it comes to my lips,
but rich, sweet, and utterly satisfying
if only we knew the recipe for chocolate.

meh.
what the hell do they add to make chocolate anyway?
i need that stuff. whatever it is.

maybe it's just time for another new beginning that turns into one of my many neverminds. we'll see.
tomorrow is setting up to be another one of my many planned days of fun that are ruined by various means of happenstance. wee.
i'd really like for one day this month to be a good one.

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 07:15:50 GMT

did you know i've had this journal for almost five years now?
i've been reading through my first few months of entries...
i'm glad to say i feel much more mature, but i guess i'm also sad to say it.

i wish i still had that optimism. the overall tone of every single entry i just read was positive, happy, creative... i want to be that way again. i really was genuinely happy when i was younger.

i have a lot to write about, but i've lost all words to describe it all it seems.
it's kind of like i've got blinders on, only they're backwards.. they block what i'm supposed to see, instead of everything else. hmm.

i need to go to bed. i'm so tired i'm dizzy.

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 04:23:40 GMT

how far can the butterfly fall
before her wings are plucked from her body
and she has ended

this life isn't for me
i wasn't meant for this
i was never supposed to be in this place