To play it safe is not to play.
Apr. 14th, 2011
Sometimes I wonder how the fuck I got here. What the reason is for all this pain that I feel...
Sometimes I think I won't physically be able to handle how much I hurt and how goddamn terrified I am. I've spent so much of my past in fear, and only occasionally do I have blissful moments in which I forget that I STILL can't escape it completely and perhaps I never will. All clarity is gone for the moment. It always leaves me when my love holds anger... it's more weight than my body can handle. So much stronger than myself. I don't care if this makes no sense to you... I need this out of me. The fucking black cloud never goes away for long.
I love so much more than I am capable of controlling. I live as freely as I can, but no matter how many steps I take to break away, I still feel trapped. We're all trapped in this fucking hamster wheel. Life is not as beautiful as I always painted it to be. I CAN admit when I am wrong.
Is it normal to feel this helpless? It's so easy for me to be thrown into this mode of utter despair... I know. I disgust myself, too. I wish I knew how to magically be who I want to be. Or at least who you want me to be. It pains me that I'm neither of those things much of the time.
I do try. I work to progress, to grow as a person and to be a happier individual. Perhaps what I need to do is stop caring whether or not others notice that or agree. Fuck you if you can't recognize how hard I try and how much I care and feel. I can't let the disapproval of others hinder my progress... but I love too much to let it go.
I feel like I'm breaking. Another lash of the whip across my back and I slink away to the box I'm being shaped to fit into. I'll be nothing but a shadow eventually.
Please disregard this entry, as I will likely wish I didn't post it in the near future.
Apr. 7th, 2011
All right, so... poly test number one: Failure.
The summary of this story is that Richard (with my permission) had sex with another girl, and I kinda freaked out, but it's all good now. It hurt more than expected, but for reasons that took me a few days to realize. I have learned from the mistakes I made, talked with Richard about the mistakes he made, we talked about the things we both need, and I now feel much more ready to deal with moving forward into polyamory. In addition, I feel much closer to Richard and am really hopeful and thrilled about our future together. :D
Now, if you want to read the much more detailed story, I've cut it for your friends page.
( Onward!Collapse )
Mar. 23rd, 2011
Let's start with the economy, and work our way back to the trees.
Read Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn. Watch Zeitgeist: Moving Forward. Changing our view is the first step, and these are a good start.
Talk to me. Let's make this happen before it's too late.
Mar. 19th, 2011
Man, the past few days have been awesome! I get so happy when the sun comes out and everything warms up for a while.
Wednesday, I got up and realized it was super warm and sunny and wonderful outside. So I decided to go for a walk to my sister's condo and pick up my bike to ride it back (I've been meaning too bring it over so I have it). It was a really nice walk, I really got to take in my new neighborhood. :) Riding my bike again was fun too, it's been sooo long since I did that. Right when I got home, I thought about texting Katy and Stella to see what they were up to, but I assumed they might be busy and didn't. Approximately thirty seconds later, Stella texted me to see if I was home so we could play. Yay! So she and Eric came over and the four of us (Richard too) went for a walk to a nearby elementary school playground where we climbed and swung and juggled and played hacky sack for a couple of hours. It was a blast. Afterward we walked back home and Richard made us food (he's an AMAZING cook) and we watched a movie before they went home.
The next day was St. Patrick's, so Richard and I did a shot, poured a bottle of Witch's Brew wine into my water bottle, and walked all the way downtown. It was so nice to go for a walk with him, it's been a while since just the two of us did that. We talked about our dreams for the future, and what happens after you die, and we took detours and and got silly. Once we got to the square, we sat down for a minute and were immediately met by three drunk girls in green who sat right next to us and became our temporary friends. :) I took some pictures, they smoked a cigarette or two, we agreed that pot's pretty sweet and that my hair will get better (haha), and then they went on their merry way back to the bar. So we decided to walk home with just enough time to go to Katy's for a bonfire and to see our friends before they got married the next day. However, we both had to pee pretty badly.... so we went to the park that was on the way and had a drunken pee near a bench. Then once we got home I got a text saying the bonfire was pushed back an hour... so we got a little dirty on the couch, and just before I accidentally fell asleep afterward, I said "watch... we're gonna fall asleep and wake up an hour late". I was wrong... we woke up forty-five minutes late. So we rushed to Katy's (stopping for a double cheeseburger for the cheesy-beef-eater (that'd be me) with another bottle of wine and a 6-pack of Berry Weiss. :) It was a good time, real chill, but a good time. We played I Have Never around the fire, talked, laughed, and congratulated the soon-to-be married couple. Eventually Richard and I came back home and, still drunk, I decided we should DEFINITELY go for a late night walk to the crosswalk bridge near our house and smoke a bowl. So we grabbed some snacks and headed out. It was such a beautiful night, I'm glad I got to see what it's like to sit up there on the bridge in the peaceful, warm air at night. I'll definitely be making that a spot to go chill out once in a while. Anyway, Richard got hungry, so we came back home and I passed out on the couch while he blasted music, played an online game, and burned the pierogies. I woke up to him carrying me to bed, helping me get undressed, cracking open the pierogies and handing me a spoon ("they're like oysters honey, eat the potato..."). I fell asleep munching on veggie straws and watching LotR for the billionth time. :)
Yesterday, I woke up extremely hung over. Apparently I finished the better part of 1.75 bottles of wine and a beer. So I laid around all morning groaning, then went off to see Stella again. We did a bunch of driving around in the sun, got more McDonald's, and ended up being surprised with chocolate cake when we stopped by Eric's house to drop off his work check. Yay, cake! After that, we played cards with her mom and watched the end of a scary movie until we were invited back to Katy's to chill and see Jordan and Magda after their post-wedding dinner. Eventually, Katy and Stella and I wandered out again to pick up Eric and Richard. We went and hung out with another group of friends, and ended up at Bryan's house for a REALLY big bonfire... However, no amount of bar stools and coffee tables aflame could keep us warm enough... So the girls ventured back indoors after an hour or so, where we watched Family Guy until we all went home.
It's been a really great few days, and I'm gonna make sure it continues. Right now, Richard's on his way home from playing ultimate frisbee with Katy's brother and his friends. I'm planning to talk him into going outside with me tonight, I want to make sure I see the SUPERHUGEMOON we're supposed to have. Apparently today is the closest we've been to the moon in 18 years, so I don't want to miss it!
I hope everyone else is having as much fun as I am!
Mar. 15th, 2011
I'm terrible at keeping updated. Oh well.
Richard and I have decided to go poly, officially. We're both polyamorous at heart, so it's a natural progression. We've talked a lot about it over the past few months, but now feels like a good time to open up completely and see where life takes us. We're both pretty excited to experiment, make friends, have other lovers, and whatever else happens to happen... Really, the idea is to stop limiting ourselves or each other as far as what or who we may do. It's also about letting go of any subconscious ownership we may feel... Who am I to expect my partner to be satisfied, in every conceivable capacity, by only what I have to offer him (and vice versa)? What's more, that is a lot of weight for one person to carry -- to be everything your one chosen partner needs you to be. I know it's a lot for me, anyway.
So far, we are putting as little restrictions on our relationship as possible. The few we have implemented are obvious: nothing sexual with a close friend or family member of the other, for example. We also strive to make sure that, first and foremost, we are both happy. He is my primary partner, and I am his. We may experience anything under the sun we wish (including, but not limited to, other fulfilling relationships), as long as we do not end up neglecting our most important arrangement -- Richard and I are in it for the long haul, regardless. We share a home and a life, and above anything else, we want to be together and we want the other to be happy. If being polyamorous (or in certain forms) does not facilitate that, then it will end. Of course, it will be a bit difficult at first, sorting through what we are okay with and what we aren't, but we'll play that by ear. Our most important mantra, though, is communication and honesty. We make sure to talk to each other about everything (we like details), and never leave the other in the dark about anything.
I'm sure I'll feel the occasional pang of jealousy, but I consider that an opportunity for growth. Just as I was taught as a child to share the things that make me happy, I plan to continue this lesson throughout adulthood and apply it to my love-life as well. After all, where does the feeling of jealousy stem from? Fear. Fear of the unknown, but more importantly, fear of losing. Mommy buys you a new bike when you're a kid, and you love it more than anything, but suddenly your sister wants to "try it out". She's zooming around the street, jumping ramps, the whole works -- and BAM, you feel jealous. She's got YOUR bike! You totally lose sight of the fact that you will get it back when she's done, it is still your bike, and you will get to play with it again. As an immature child, our parents explain to us that we must share, and they remind us that we truly have not lost a thing. In FACT, we have facilitated the joy of another human being by allowing them to partake in such a glorious bicycle. As we enter into adulthood, we're taught to continue applying this philosophy to every other aspect of our lives -- except, mysteriously, for love. And so, when you see your significant other flirting and laughing with another girl in the bar -- pang -- jealousy. Or in different words, you fear that this other person could possess more of the qualities your partner finds desirable. Her tits are bigger, her hair is cooler, she has a better sense of humor, or she loves to do that thing in bed that you hate... It's fear. Eliminate the possibility that he will LEAVE you or stop loving you, EVEN IF he goes home with that girl, fucks her, AND wants to see her again in the future... And suddenly there is nothing to worry about. I'm all for it, if it means he won't bug me to do that thing in bed anymore and he comes home happy.
Every once in a while we may have to remind ourselves (or each other) that it's true, but experiencing things with other people DOES NOT have to mean losing anything. Once that mentality is deeply enough ingrained in us, life becomes less about fear and losing, and more about growing, enjoying, and expanding...
Anyhow. This was longer than intended and does not include anything about what my hair has been doing (it's my two-month dreadlock anniversary today!), but I will leave that as an excuse to update sooner than later next time. :)
I'd love to hear thoughts, and answer any questions anyone might have. Polyamory is something that is far too rarely discussed, and is not well understood by much of our culture, so I am happy to help expand any curious minds.
Jan. 4th, 2011
06:19 pm - Hmm...
My friends and I don't see enough of each other, not because it's anyone's fault or anything, life just works that way sometimes. I'm going crazy here, with no structure to my days since I've quit my job. I sleep until two in the afternoon, and that makes me sad. I'm tired all the time, even though I'm finally getting the "correct" amount of sleep for the first real period of my life. I need a clock and a calendar to help me not lose track of where and when I am, since I rarely leave the couch anymore.
I feel very disconnected from the world, my friends, myself even. Life, in general.
But I'm not going to resign myself to this. I won't stop making steps toward the life I want to have.
I have an idea that might help us stay a bit more connected, despite our distance, and hopefully a bit more creative. And hopefully it extends further than my small circle of friends and out into the rest of the world. Wouldn't that be something?
I'm down in a thick muddy hole surrounded by green grass and the sun's shining down on everything. It won't be long until I figure a way out of here.
Nov. 18th, 2010
The trip was about 7 hours long. I was grumpy because I felt rushed straight out of work when I wanted to relax, and I was feeling ill. By the time we got here, I had a fever, a sore throat, and a headache. It rained, sleeted, and snowed throughout the drive and we saw several deer that threatened to take us off the road, but we made it safely. Of course, at one point I locked the keys in the car and we had to stand outside in the cold and slice open the caulk from his broken backseat window so we could break back in. That was fun. And to top that lovely trip off, once we got to his house up here and all I wanted to do was lay down, smoke, and sleep, the ex-girlfriend who lives there came in all wasted to hell and gave me a hug before she decided she desperately needed to steal Richard away to hang out because she misses him (regardless of the fact that he was just up here last week). It was innocent and she invited me as well, but I was too tired and icky-feeling. She's actually throwing us a party tonight, which I'd be pretty excited about if I felt less sick. But we will have a good time. She seems like a nice girl.
I've noticed myself being less secure lately. I'm not generally the type of person who gets jealous of other women, or suspects my significant other of cheating... For goodness' sake, I'm a polyamorous type of person. Apparently, though, buying a house with someone makes me feel more vulnerable to that big scary fear of being abandoned or cheated on. I'm sure I'll be back to normal soon. Maybe this comes with the territory of moving in with someone you haven't dated long enough to trust entirely, but I don't regret it a bit.
We talked this morning about a lot of things I feel, and of course I came away feeling better. He really does love me as much as I love him, we've BOTH chosen to share a life together (however permanent or temporary that may end up being). I need to remind myself of that occasionally. He CHOOSES to make a life with me, and I am so lucky because of that. We fit quite well together when we fit. We fight sometimes, but that's mostly when we misunderstand each other, and when we have differences of opinion. More often that not, however, we talk until we both feel better and stronger as a couple because of it.
He talks about moving back here one day, with me. The young community lifestyle reminds me of visiting Mike and Syd in Kalamazoo. The atmosphere is friendly and homey. But goddamn this icy wind would take me out. There was snow on the ground this morning. My ears and knuckles are aching from the walk to campus today. I wonder how warm it gets in the summer, being so near Lake Superior. I'd never survive a winter here.
Well, Richard should be getting out of class about now, so I'll be going.
I hope I feel better soon, he was so looking forward to bringing me here, as I was. It's hard not to feel guilty about all the things we still have to do at home. And come to find out, he'll be back up here for a whole week after Thanksgiving, and another week in December, at least. :( I hate that I have to work so much and I don't have the freedom to up and leave like that, and come with him. I miss him so much when he's gone.
Anyway, this fever's got my brain all malfunctioning. I'm done rambling. Hah.
Nov. 12th, 2010
Richard and I are still together, and doing pretty wonderfully. So wonderfully, in fact, that just last week, on Monday, November 1st of 2010, we purchased a home together.
Yep, you heard me right. I bought a freaking HOUSE. With a boyfriend. Of only FOUR MONTHS. Yeah, we're crazy. But we're in love, we know what we want, and we are goddamn going for it. :)
I am currently sitting on his terribly firm twin mattress in the middle of our living room, next to a midget-sized beach chair, two computers & tiny tv sprawled across the floor, and the bowl of candy awesomeness that we've been using to keep hunger at bay. Hah. I'm pretty excited.
The house is old and creaky and some of the pipes leak, and I have a BOILER in my basement for goodness' sake, but I'm excited. :D Three bedrooms, a huge backyard, and all the amenities we wouldn't have been able to afford (stove, refrigerator, washer/dryer, dishwasher, microwave) all came with the house. The walls constantly sound like there is water running through them (because of the baseboard heating) and the fridge sounds like someone is knocking on the door in the middle of the night, but I'm starting to really like the scary noises the house makes. It's actually becoming comforting in a way, much like the sound of a train in the distance while I'm laying in bed, because I grew up with a train 1/4 mile from my bedroom window. We have that here too. :)
Richard is away in Marquette this week and I miss him a lot. He's taking a couple of tests for his last class before he gets his masters degree. He's one smart cookie, he tells me the last test he took a month or two ago, he ended up getting the highest score in the class and he had only attended ONE lecture and studied his ass off for a day or two. He constantly amazes me with how motivated and dedicated he is, and how perfectly capable he is of anything he chooses to do. He's already gone around and changed almost all of the outlets in the house, he's done lots of cleaning and labor and construction and shopping and he never seems to quit being the greatest decision I think I've ever made.
What amazes me most, given how wonderful he is, is that we both want the same things. He and I have the same dream that we are striving for and I don't doubt for a moment that we will continue to head in that direction every day. We envision our future full of friends, food, adventure, leisure, happiness... A life where the door is always open and the kitchen is always full, there is never any shortage of good friends and lovers and pleasure and laughter, and we are entirely free to do and go and be as we see fit. There are a lot of "and"s in that run-on sentence -- and I'm fucking thrilled about that.
This house is our first big step onto that path, and as much as I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us, I am trying to enjoy every day as it greets us. I want to fully absorb this experience of buying my first house and turning it into our home. Struggling to pay bills here and there, having no furniture for a couple of weeks, and lighting candles to save on heat and electricity... it's beautiful in all of its "immaturity", as society might call it.
But hey, as far as Richard and I are concerned, fuck society.
For those who may be wondering, "Didn't you just move a few months ago?"
Yes. Stacy and I had been renting out Kristina's condo while she lives home with mom and Greg, until I found this house and decided to buy it. Stacy and I are now in the process of moving out of the condo, and she's going to live at home with mom as well so she can save on rent money and afford a place for her and Amanda eventually. There were a lot of unfortunate arguments and hurt feelings between my sisters and I at first, but I think that is getting better. I really hope Stacy will understand why I didn't ask her to live with me, and I hope Kristina will understand why we don't want the cats to live with us for long. I already really miss living with Stacy... I've only spent one year of my entire life not living with her, and I think only 10 of those years we didn't shared a bedroom. Dad says our relationship will always be great, and I hope so. I also hope that Kristina and I will have more to bond over now that I am where she's been for the last 6 years or so.
I am really excited about life right now. I hope that any of you who may be reading this and know me in person will believe me when I say: I want you to stop by ANY time, eat our food, sleep in our beds, share our home with us. We may be a bit further away now, but you are always welcome. I love you.
Nov. 4th, 2010
Aug. 20th, 2010
I would guess I've been living on my own for nearly a month now.
It sucks having chores to keep up on, I can't lie about that. It sucks having to take care of these cats until we find homes for them, too. It sucks not having a dishwasher -- I absolutely despise washing dishes by hand.
But I don't have to answer to anyone.
I don't have to live silently every night after 10pm.
I don't have to hide out in my bedroom in order to relax.
I can smoke a bowl in my bedroom if I want to, and keep my baking soda in the bathroom for my hair.
Last night there was "a big storm coming". The weather reporters were coming all over themselves warning everyone that this EPIC STORM was heading RIGHT FOR Mount Clemens ANY MINUTE.
Of course, we had some pretty ridiculous wind, some pouring rain, a few small fallen tree branches, and five minutes later... I watched a clear sunset reflecting off the still-standing tree-giants in my backyard. I had concerned contacts warning me of the storm, checking to make sure I was still okay, which was nice of them. But it was pretty cool to weather a storm on my own, watch from my big picture window, and know that I could take care of myself.
This morning, although I feel directionless, lost, even a twinge of hopelessness... I'm looking at the number of three-foot branches that lay sprawled across my backyard, remembering the rain that washed over us so intently and efficiently last night, and I feel confident that among my current chaos, there will be order. Not the kind of order that makes one feel trapped, but a place and a purpose.
I've got a roof, I have an income, I've a few good friends, a pretty great family, and I've found love.
What reason do I have not to be happy? With nothing but future before me, there is only happier.