so much love... - To play it safe is not to play.
Aug. 17th, 2011
09:45 pm - so much love...
Wow. So... a lot has been going on in my life since my last update. So much so that I've been putting off updating at all because there's just so much to include. As usual, hah. I'll abbreviate this as necessary.
I realized today that I totally forgot about the fact that I was supposed to have jury duty last week... :/
I don't particularly want to participate in that whole corrupt system anyhow, but I swear I honestly did forget, and had planned to go. I'm kinda just hoping nothing comes of it, but I wonder if I should be trying to "make up for it" somehow. Hmm. Oh well.
I've been attending several get-togethers with the various poly folk I've been getting to know, and this weekend I'm having a fairly large party of my own - poly and mono people included. I'm so excited! Can't wait to get everyone in one place and just have some free-form FUN.
The most significant thing going on in my life right now has been an unexpected path along my poly journey: I've fallen head-over-heels in love with a boy.
His name is Cole, and he came out of nowhere. I couldn't begin to describe to you all of the ways he has already begun to awaken my spirit and bring clarity to my mind and emotions. He's the most beautiful creature... I firmly believe we've come into each others' lives for a reason. He's among the most intelligent individuals I've ever met, and he has the passion, dedication, and sensitivity to match. It's incredible... he understands me better than I even do sometimes. He has been on my mind more than anything else for the last month or so (it's kinda sad, really, hah). I am so excited to see what will develop between us as time goes on and we learn and explore more about each other. Our relationship is based very strongly in exploration, freedom of expression, and the strong connection we have to each other. When we are together, in each others' physical presence, I am consistently amazed at the strength of our energy. It's primal and animalistic... It's this intense feeling of oneness that I'm sure I'm failing to do justice in describing. I feel very strongly drawn to him, and I can often be found touching him by any means necessary, heh.
What's more - he and Richard LOVE each other. They get along beautifully and are becoming great friends. Cole is actually a perfect mix between the two of us, and has helped us to understand each other (and therefore BE) better than we ever have. There isn't anything going on between them romantically, but I am happy as can be about their relationship, even separately from myself.
Remember that girl who spent mine and Richard's anniversary evening with us? Turns out she is Cole's long-term partner. :) Her name is Jessica, and she and I have been developing a very strong bond with each other as well. We have striking similarities to our personalities and thought processes, but of course we differ as well. We have learned that we have a very strong psychic bond, which is pretty amazing. We did a telepathic experiment in which we went 10-0 recently... and it felt completely natural. She, Cole, and I have been spending time together when we can, and the amount of OPENNESS between us is astounding. We are all very focused on complete (radical) honesty, and the connection of our energies. I'm excited to explore the dynamic that all four of us have (Richard included - he's been away on trips for a fair bit of the time we've been together, unfortunately).
So far the three of us have had some really fun and exploratory sexytimes together, and I hope to expand that to four soon, now that Richard doesn't have any weekend trips planned in the foreseeable future.
I'm very happy about the formation of what seems to be a "poly group" surrounding me. :D This is something I've been longing for since January of last year, when I met my first real-life polyamorous couple and fell in love with them. (Remember Syd and Mike? I'm actually going to be seeing them again soon, they'll be in town next weekend!)
In fact... I've almost been in disbelief about all of the love and beauty that has come into my life so suddenly. Today I was struck by the fear that I might inevitably fuck it all up somehow. It brought me to my knees and into tears. I don't want to allow my mind to go in that direction, so I won't loiter here, but the fear is present. Perhaps I should push it out of my mind, or perhaps I should challenge it and overcome (something I'm learning from Jessica). We shall see.
In other news!
As predicted, Carol had her beautiful baby girl on her birthday, August 8th! :D I haven't met little miss Madeline yet, but hopefully I will get to see her and mama soon. I received the picture message of that little face which confirmed her arrival into the world JUST as I was pulling up to Nicole's house for another poly get-together. I BURST into tears in the car and had to show everyone the picture when I got inside, even though none of them know Carol. Haha. I'm so happy for her and Clinton, and I've been wishing them all health and happiness and sending them love when I think of them. It must be really hard to handle such a big change in one's life... I can only imagine. <3
Since my last post that mentioned getting sun-sick, I've lost about ten pounds and have been struggling to put it back on since. I'm not sure what is going on exactly, but I have never weighed this little in my adult life and it's freaking me out. I have no appetite, but I am eating anyway... but it's not doing anything. For some reason, my body is more apt to lose weight these days than to maintain as I always have. I know ten pounds doesn't sound like a lot... but when you're as small as I am, it's pretty scary. it took me nearly a month to have the energy to leave the house more than once every other week or so. I don't really get to talk to many people about this for fear of judgement and lack of understanding (most women get kinda pissed to hear me "bitching" about being skinny, and that pisses ME off, to be honest), so please refrain from close-minded statements in this forum if you can.
I'm leaving a lot of details and occurrences out of this post, but I mentioned what's been most prevalently on my mind. Feel free to ask me any questions, I know I didn't explain a whole lot, and I know some of you are interested in understanding the workings of the polyamorous lifestyle. So, yeah. :)
Thanks for reading! More love to come. <3