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so much love... - To play it safe is not to play.

Aug. 17th, 2011

09:45 pm - so much love...

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Wow. So... a lot has been going on in my life since my last update. So much so that I've been putting off updating at all because there's just so much to include. As usual, hah. I'll abbreviate this as necessary.


I realized today that I totally forgot about the fact that I was supposed to have jury duty last week... :/
I don't particularly want to participate in that whole corrupt system anyhow, but I swear I honestly did forget, and had planned to go. I'm kinda just hoping nothing comes of it, but I wonder if I should be trying to "make up for it" somehow. Hmm. Oh well.


I've been attending several get-togethers with the various poly folk I've been getting to know, and this weekend I'm having a fairly large party of my own - poly and mono people included. I'm so excited! Can't wait to get everyone in one place and just have some free-form FUN.


The most significant thing going on in my life right now has been an unexpected path along my poly journey: I've fallen head-over-heels in love with a boy.

His name is Cole, and he came out of nowhere. I couldn't begin to describe to you all of the ways he has already begun to awaken my spirit and bring clarity to my mind and emotions. He's the most beautiful creature... I firmly believe we've come into each others' lives for a reason. He's among the most intelligent individuals I've ever met, and he has the passion, dedication, and sensitivity to match. It's incredible... he understands me better than I even do sometimes. He has been on my mind more than anything else for the last month or so (it's kinda sad, really, hah). I am so excited to see what will develop between us as time goes on and we learn and explore more about each other. Our relationship is based very strongly in exploration, freedom of expression, and the strong connection we have to each other. When we are together, in each others' physical presence, I am consistently amazed at the strength of our energy. It's primal and animalistic... It's this intense feeling of oneness that I'm sure I'm failing to do justice in describing. I feel very strongly drawn to him, and I can often be found touching him by any means necessary, heh.

What's more - he and Richard LOVE each other. They get along beautifully and are becoming great friends. Cole is actually a perfect mix between the two of us, and has helped us to understand each other (and therefore BE) better than we ever have. There isn't anything going on between them romantically, but I am happy as can be about their relationship, even separately from myself.

Remember that girl who spent mine and Richard's anniversary evening with us? Turns out she is Cole's long-term partner. :) Her name is Jessica, and she and I have been developing a very strong bond with each other as well. We have striking similarities to our personalities and thought processes, but of course we differ as well. We have learned that we have a very strong psychic bond, which is pretty amazing. We did a telepathic experiment in which we went 10-0 recently... and it felt completely natural. She, Cole, and I have been spending time together when we can, and the amount of OPENNESS between us is astounding. We are all very focused on complete (radical) honesty, and the connection of our energies. I'm excited to explore the dynamic that all four of us have (Richard included - he's been away on trips for a fair bit of the time we've been together, unfortunately).

So far the three of us have had some really fun and exploratory sexytimes together, and I hope to expand that to four soon, now that Richard doesn't have any weekend trips planned in the foreseeable future.

I'm very happy about the formation of what seems to be a "poly group" surrounding me. :D This is something I've been longing for since January of last year, when I met my first real-life polyamorous couple and fell in love with them. (Remember Syd and Mike? I'm actually going to be seeing them again soon, they'll be in town next weekend!)

In fact... I've almost been in disbelief about all of the love and beauty that has come into my life so suddenly. Today I was struck by the fear that I might inevitably fuck it all up somehow. It brought me to my knees and into tears. I don't want to allow my mind to go in that direction, so I won't loiter here, but the fear is present. Perhaps I should push it out of my mind, or perhaps I should challenge it and overcome (something I'm learning from Jessica). We shall see.


In other news!
As predicted, Carol had her beautiful baby girl on her birthday, August 8th! :D I haven't met little miss Madeline yet, but hopefully I will get to see her and mama soon. I received the picture message of that little face which confirmed her arrival into the world JUST as I was pulling up to Nicole's house for another poly get-together. I BURST into tears in the car and had to show everyone the picture when I got inside, even though none of them know Carol. Haha. I'm so happy for her and Clinton, and I've been wishing them all health and happiness and sending them love when I think of them. It must be really hard to handle such a big change in one's life... I can only imagine. <3


Since my last post that mentioned getting sun-sick, I've lost about ten pounds and have been struggling to put it back on since. I'm not sure what is going on exactly, but I have never weighed this little in my adult life and it's freaking me out. I have no appetite, but I am eating anyway... but it's not doing anything. For some reason, my body is more apt to lose weight these days than to maintain as I always have. I know ten pounds doesn't sound like a lot... but when you're as small as I am, it's pretty scary. it took me nearly a month to have the energy to leave the house more than once every other week or so. I don't really get to talk to many people about this for fear of judgement and lack of understanding (most women get kinda pissed to hear me "bitching" about being skinny, and that pisses ME off, to be honest), so please refrain from close-minded statements in this forum if you can.


I'm leaving a lot of details and occurrences out of this post, but I mentioned what's been most prevalently on my mind. Feel free to ask me any questions, I know I didn't explain a whole lot, and I know some of you are interested in understanding the workings of the polyamorous lifestyle. So, yeah. :)

Thanks for reading! More love to come. <3

Comments:

[User Picture]
From:human_mechanism
Date:August 18th, 2011 06:09 am (UTC)
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Well, I still find it very interesting. My current GF and I had a conversation before we labelled ourselves about monogamy. She prefers to stray from monogamy as it's too controlling and restrictive. The conversation really opened my mind. My last straw of defense for mono was that I was ok with pretty much anything my partner would do with another so long as it didn't harbor or propagate romantic feelings, but when challenged to explain what exactly qualifies "romantic" feelings, I couldn't explain it. Every possible articulation I tried to muster was something that could be experienced with a good friend and not solely with a partner. I had this epiphany about how bottle-necked a mono relationship is, and when we made things official, we decided to start mono but simply made some descriptive rules that allow for the possibility of poly later.

Even though I can rationally see how poly seems to have a more practical base in a successful and longterm relationship, I still have unavoidable twangs of jealousy due to being raised and conditioned to believe mono is the be all/end all. For instance, when I read about you being so enthralled with Cole, it made me imagine my gf feeling that way about another man and, well, it's scary as fuck! lol. Then you talk of how Richard gets along great with him and you with his gf and that calmed me down a bit and made me think.

Anyhow, all that said, I very much look forward to hearing more about your poly lifestyle, not just out of curiosity anymore, but because I could very well see myself going down such a road.
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[User Picture]
From:ihatepickles
Date:August 18th, 2011 05:53 pm (UTC)
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Check out the book 'The Ethical Slut'. It's super helpful and insightful for anyone into, curious about, or considering polyamory. Fo' reals.

Jealousy still occurs every so often, and I assume it always will in some form or another. The feeling itself is not inherently a bad thing, it's what you DO with that emotion that determines how positive or negative it can be.


Example:
The other night, I was hanging out with Jess and Cole. They began having their own conversation about something I could not contribute to very easily, and they were snuggling and kissing and I felt a bit left out. I started feeling pangs of jealousy (for the first time with them), and I got angry with myself for it, and I felt really sad out of nowhere. I felt unjustified and so I didn't want to say anything. But, given that our relationship is based so strongly in honesty and openness, I decided to talk to them anyway (doing so is key). Allowing myself to delve into those feelings of jealousy and sadness, and bouncing those feelings (along with my thoughts) off of them to hear what they had to say forced me to discover what fears those reactions were rooted in. Some of the reasons behind my feelings were situational and have been resolved now. Some of the reasons were just that my monogamously-trained mind hadn't fully clicked over in certain ways. But I realized that I wasn't jealous of their relationship, I was afraid that their bond somehow threatened mine with each of them - which is absolutely not true. Jessica's relationship with Cole is slightly different than mine, but for good reason. We are different people, after all.

They are used to their polyamorous arrangement, but I realized that I'm still walking a bit on eggshells because I'm afraid to offend someone or step on toes. So talking with each of them gave them the chance to express to me that there is no need for light stepping. I am free to act as I feel (to "chase my smiles" as Jess put it), and that is completely invaluable. Every time one of us has feelings of jealousy or disconnection, we communicate that, explore it as deeply as possible, and resolve it. Every time. That is my advice to you, in any form of relationship.

Hope that helps.
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[User Picture]
From:ihatepickles
Date:August 18th, 2011 06:04 pm (UTC)
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Oh, also, in reference to the "no romantic feelings" stance (which many many people hold, at least at first): The fact one fears their lover having an emotional connection with another lover is because they are generally used to that starvation model of love that most of us are brought up with. Of course, monogamous implies that you only have room for one romantic partner in your heart, so if they have feelings for another person, it takes something from you and your connection with them. However, I am very quickly learning that love does not function this way... When you are open (and I mean that in a several abstract ways), the more love you give, the more comes back to you, and the more is spread around in general. Love is this beautiful exponentially growing thing, when it is allowed to be free. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't been experiencing it myself.

Example:
I am feeling happy and floaty and wonderful these days because of the new excitement in my life as well as the new ways I am finding myself fulfilled, which causes my relationship with Richard to be happier and more harmonious and stress-free. This makes loving each other even easier (because negative has been removed), and makes us want to go love more people even more!

The more love there is, the more there will be. Don't be afraid of it. :D

Okay, all of this wordiness amounts to my two cents. The end.
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From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 18th, 2011 07:04 pm (UTC)
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What are your thoughts on couples who are mono? Do you think they've got it all wrong or is there no "right" way? Just a matter of preference?
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[User Picture]
From:ihatepickles
Date:August 19th, 2011 10:34 pm (UTC)
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I think everyone is different, and being so, we have different needs and desires. There is no such thing as a "right" way. Monogamy can work beautifully for lots of people, and has worked well for me at times. I really think it's a matter of preference, and I certainly do not judge monogamous couples for being so. I do happen to believe, however, that if our culture were different and we all viewed happiness and freedom and jealousy in a different light than we're most often taught, there would likely be a lot more happy poly people.

All that really matters is being happy, fulfilled, and true to yourself (without harming others to the best of your ability), no matter what that means to you. If you have that in a monogamous relationship - good on you, and keep at it! :)
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