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To play it safe is not to play.
Nov. 22nd, 2009
12:11 pm
Used to be kind of an obsession. At least, a strong habit.
A lot has changed and happened since I last posted here. This past year has been one for learning and growth, for sure. Change. That intangible goal I am forever chasing. I'm taking control of my own life, and while I wouldn't say that I am in that discernible state of Happy, I will say that I'm most certainly on my way there. Life is a journey, after all, and in this moment -- now -- I am trying my hardest to enjoy it, without fear.
Shawn and I rarely speak anymore. I began seeing a boy in March, which developed into a relationship. Andrew. We were together for seven months, and Shawn and I decided not to speak anymore. I was happy with Andrew, for a while, but that changed over time. I spent most of our time together insecure in the knowledge that he actually wanted to be with me... It played on my flaws and I became a person I do not like or want to be. I spent too many nights not hearing from him when he said he'd call, not seeing him when he said he'd come over. When we were together, the happiness I felt was false after a while. I couldn't feel him there with me, he wasn't connecting, and that drove me crazy. Whether I was actually in love with him, I don't know. Maybe Shawn was right and it was mostly him being so unavailable to me that made me want him more. Shawn and I began messaging each other online when Andrew started telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore. Shawn had sent the first message, about something completely unrelated, and I ended up venting my confusion all over him. He was great about it... He told me some things I really needed to hear and made me realize that maybe I was settling. That no matter how nice he was most of the time, no matter how beautiful he was or how much I liked/loved him, I deserved better than those moments I felt worthless because of his actions or words. Granted, much of those feelings of worthlessness were generated from a place deep inside me that already existed... he just threw some wood on the pilot light and it caught fire. Not entirely his fault, but certainly less than I should be striving for in a relationship.
Shawn and I aren't really talking at the moment. He was there for me as the only one who really truly knows that part of me -- the insecure, crazy lady part of me that I try to hide but runs rampant sometimes when I'm in a relationship. He has changed quite a lot since he and I stopped seeing each other. He's grown and he's still growing. Life is a journey, after all. But he has realized that he hasn't changed enough yet to continue to have contact with me. He would end up back in the same place he was before if he didn't take some more steps back. I'm proud of him for making that decision/realization on his own, and I respect it. He's a good man. I wish more people in his life would see that.
Andrew finally did leave me. I'm still unclear as to what all the true reasons were, but I am learning that it doesn't really matter. Only to the curious, controlling part of me that usually NEEDS to know. He said that he didn't like me anymore, which I understand. I became a horrible version of myself when I was with him. He said there was another girl he was interested in, at work. That hurt... a lot. A few days after we officially might never see each other again, facebook informed me that he was in a relationship with the girl at work. At first, I was about five different kinds of hurt and confused and insecure. Then I had a beautiful revelation...
I was free.
For the first time in my life, since I was 15 years old, I was free.
Free from commitment, and free from the emotional obligation I feel when I'm the one who leaves the person I've been in a relationship with. I no longer had anyone else's feelings to worry about (he left me, for once!), and was finally granted the ability to go forth and have some much-needed fun.
I'm glad for what has happened, though I'm sure there lies a layer of unhealed hurt beneath the surface, but I refuse to pay it any attention for now. I've been trying to meet new people. Mostly men. I'm speaking/texting/messaging quite a few of them at the moment. Have met and hung out with one so far. Possibly another today, actually. A couple more later in the week. We'll see what happens. I have no real plan, no goal as far as something I want romantically. But I am perfectly content to simply leap, without paying too much heed to looking first.
Andrew and the new girl split up a week or so later. He texted me in the middle of the night telling me he missed me and that he was thinking about me a lot. He said he wasn't doing all that well, though I didn't ask him to elaborate. I care about him as a person, I always will. But I told him it was best if he left me alone for now. I refuse to end up back in that all-too-familiar place in post-relationship limbo. You know, that place where you feel guilt when you go out on a date, you feel the need to hide certain things from public view for fear of hurting the ex's feelings. No more of that... The plan is to set change into motion, whatever that means. And to have no more fear about doing it.
Jan. 10th, 2009
06:43 pm - Holey Nose!
My face is getting used to it and it's starting to look more natural on me now, the more I look at it and the more the minor bits of swelling inside disappear. I'll have to go get it tightened in a day or two, it's starting to hang out of my nose like a booger! The first ring is obviously made a little longer to make room for the swelling. I can't wait 'til I can change the jewelry, I've already been shopping around for more. Hah.
03:46 pm - It's been a while.
I haven't been to this site in a long time.. I haven't posted an entry in 27 weeks, it says. I was in the mood to do that today, I guess.
So, the day before yesterday, I got my nose pierced. I expected the worst, of course. Expected to feel like I got punched in the face, and for my nose to swell up and get crusty and red and feel like hell for at least a week or two. Anyway, I went to Vicious Ink [http://www.myspace.com/viciousink]
The guy who pierced me [Joe] was pretty cool. Kinda edged on douchey in a joking way, but once he pulled out the sharp objects and I joked about crying, he turned into a nice guy and made the process very comfortable and quick, so I was happy. Honestly, it barely hurt at all, which surprised me. Once he was done there was just a small, dull pain in my nostril on the surface, but barely any swelling or redness. I felt dizzy and kind of ill for a while, mostly because I hasn't eaten or slept much, but I'm sure it was partly because of the face trauma I had just endured as well. Haha.
We ended up staying there for a few hours because Stacy got a small tattoo while we were there. She got "DEZI" on her right arm, up by her shoulder, in blue with black outline. She plans to get the birth and death dates added later.
So, two days later I still have no infection, no redness, most of the swelling has gone down [which there wasn't much of to begin with], and I keep forgetting it's there because I can't even feel it until I accidentally wiped my nose. Which sucks a little. Hah. I got a nose screw stud, with a clear gem in it. I figured something neutral would be good if it's gonna be there for up to a couple months before I can take it out, and I had to get a stud because I have to cover it with a bandaid at work until it's healed enough to put a retainer in it.
I tried to post pictures on MySpace, but either the site is messed up, or it's because my new hard drive in this computer isn't saving the pictures in the correct format to be uploaded... I'll try again on the other computer, or see if I can upload them to photobucket so I can post some here.
May. 27th, 2008
10:51 pm
I am near a 'do or die' type of crossroads in my life.
It's scary that I don't have any clue what I am doing still, at twenty-two years old. It's scary that I know less of who I am than I did ten years ago. I am afraid a lot, but I guess at the same time I'm not. I'm changing, and I don't know if I like it. I'm trying to do something about how unhappy of a place I'm in, but it's slow in coming.
There will be school in the fall for music and photography. I'm continuing violin throughout the summer and after. I want to take Katy's advice and attempt to join some sort of dance troupe, if I can figure out how to find one.
I still have no career, though. No life goals, as far as money or my effect on the world is concerned... I want to work with animals, I'm just not sure where to go or what to do after this job I have now. I used to have such big ambitions, and I'm not sure where they went. I at least wish I understood how or when I became so incredibly lost.
Shawn and I have been broken up for more than nine months now. We see each other once in a while, which is good, though we're trying to work on our own lives on our own, without the complication of each other. He was very selfless yesterday, talking to me about my life and my problems and trying to help me. More selfless than usual. He was acting the way I used to.
He asked me to be his date to Steve and Margie's wedding this Friday, which made me happy. I'm looking forward to it, even though I can't find something to wear for the life of me and it sounds like it might rain [it's at the beach]. I had a really good time shopping with him though, he's definitely good for making that sort of experience not suck. Lol. We finally saw Partridge Creek, by the way, and it was really beautiful that day. :)
I have been entertaining the idea of becoming a housewife lately. Not anytime soon or anything, just in general. Probably because I'm lazy, but I would be able to pursue the things I love to do that won't make me any money, be with someone I love, and be taken care of financially. [Note I did not say "stay at home mom", I said housewife. Don't worry, I haven't suddenly started wanting babies.] This must be a very short, hormone-related phase. It is very un-me to be feeling.
I'm having all kinds of new insecurities coming out of the woodwork lately. It's pretty unnerving, and frustrating. I think I'm just so lost right now that nothing feels right, not even my own skin. I think also a lot of my issues with men and women and my parents and my life are only beginning to reveal their massive depths and work their way to the surface.
I'm going to the doctor soon for a back x-ray. I think my scoliosis has gotten much worse, and I need physical therapy again. Or something. Exercise. I just have to see a specialist so I don't hurt myself trying to help it on my own.
Meh.
Standing... is unexpectedly torturous sometimes.
But we do it. We stand and we walk or we sit and dream forever.
Apr. 22nd, 2008
Apr. 21st, 2008
09:35 pm
I had good weekend, and a great night last night.
Saturday night I got out of work early and headed over to Katy's so we could go out and have fun. We ended up in a couple bars in Royal Oak [after like two hours of her getting ready], and my lovely best friend was my very first designated driver! lol. I had fun, even though we couldn't get anyone to come hang out with us. We also stopped at Meijer for Tequila I didn't drink and tobacco I'm not going to smoke. Dumb random spending, but yay for being drunk in public. Hah. Katy's old friend Sean eventually came and joined us at her apartment for a little while, but we just kinda sat around and talked. We couldn't even get her little brother and cousin and their friends to hang out with us. Haha. Oh well, we're lame.Saturday Sunday [yesterday] was all right. We spent most of the day being lazy and trying to figure out what to do with ourselves. I generally spent the day hungover, and eventually left for a work meeting, which was pointless. Afterward, however, was awesome. Katy came to pick me up so I could see her and Bill [guitar] and Josh [violin] play at the Wellington Pub on 18 & Rochester for open mic night. BUT since Bill, Josh, and Eric are under 21, we couldn't get in... SOO we walked next door, instruments in hand, to a cafe. They asked the owner if they could play and he was all about it! It turned out really awesome, people clapped, and the owner asked them to come back every saturday and start promoting. Also got 15% discount on coffee and they got a $5 tip. Lol. At one point, all five of us sang and played an absolutely incredible version [from where I was singing, anyway] of Hallelujah. Our voices all meshed pretty well and we kept it going for a while. I was pretty excited by that and I was so happy to actually get to sing something I knew. Lol. I'd love to be able to do that again.
Anyway, that was my weekend. And now I am late for bed because I have to be up at 6am and I haven't caught up on sleep since I stayed up 'til 5am the other night. Ugh.
Apr. 18th, 2008
11:23 pm
It's a Friday night, and I am sitting alone in my room, knitting.
Lame.
I was pretty excited today when a box of violin stuff I ordered arrived super early. I ordered it two days ago, and the shipping was free so I expected it to take more than the 5-8 busniess days they mentioned. I bought the bon musica shoulder rest [it contours the shoulder better than the kun one i have, and it's bendable], a pad for the chin rest [which also covers the hardware that rubs against your neck when you play], a book my teacher has, a metronome / tuner, and a wire that plugs into the tuner and clips onto my violin to reduce vibration and air distortion so I know if I'm actually playing in tune. All of these things [besides the shoulder rest] were at the recommendation of my teacher, and I'm glad I bought them. I'm not sure if I really needed the book, but we'll see. The shoulder rest and chin pad make it more comfortable to hold for sure, but not quite as much as I hoped. Ah well. All of that was at very discounted prices and without s&h, so I ran with it.
I need more friends and more fun.
I need to not have 44 hours at work next week. This was supposed to be a part time job, not a 24/7 job. I wanted 3-4 days a week. That would have been perfect. Damn it. I don't want to start hating it there. I need more time to do things and have fun.
01:13 pm
Why don't they ever stay?
I hope one day I can be a person that people will fight for. And be there for and love unconditionally. No matter what the circumstances.
I hope one day I'll be good enough, and people will want to be my friend.
I'm sick of being at the disposal of others. Like I'm always going to be there to pick up and put down when you need me or don't want to deal with me. This isn't about any one person in particular. It's how a lot of people make me feel in their own ways.
This hurts. I'm not an angel, but I'm not entirely sure I ever did anything to deserve the way I feel.
Don't ever allow yourself to indulge in the notion that I didn't love you more than anyone I've ever cared for. You have a vulnerable piece of me that terrifies me because I can't have it back. And I don't want it back. Because I loved you. Do you hear that? I loved you. I will not allow you to believe I didn't or that I don't.
If you have to leave, go.
But don't pretend it's for me.
Apr. 14th, 2008
10:07 pm - i want to sing this so badly.
Well I heard there was a secret chord
that David played and it pleased the Lord.
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall, and the major lift...
The baffled King composing hallelujah.
Hallelujah...
Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof.
You saw her bathing on the roof,
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.
But she tied you to her kitchen chair,
she broke your thrown and she cut your hair
and from your lips, she drew the hallelujah.
Hallelujah...
Baby, I've been here before.
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor.
You know I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch,
but love is not a victory march,
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
Hallelujah...
There was a time you'd let me know
what's real and going on below,
but now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
The holy dove was moving too,
and every breath we drew was hallelujah!
Hallelujah...
Maybe there's a God above,
but all I ever learned from love
was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you.
It's not a cry that you hear at night,
it's not somebody who's seen the light,
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
Hallelujah, hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah.
Apr. 8th, 2008
11:55 pm - First violin lesson.
Today was my first lesson with Annelisa [my violin teacher].
She seems like I may be her first adult student, which may intimidate her. I'm not sure if she knows just how to talk to or teach someone who isn't a little kid, but we shall see. It's been pretty awkward talking to her so far.
Most of the lesson was her tuning my instrument, putting tape on the fingerboard [to mark where I finger the notes], and eventually we played a few exercises without the bow [just plucking the strings]. It sounds so much better since she fine tuned it. My tape recorder sucks though... Ugh. Oh well.
I have to buy Suzuki book 1, even though I know she told me to buy Essential Elements. I think she wants me to have both, so I'll just do that.
She also wants me to be in the recital next month. Haha. We'll see.
So yeah, we didn't use the bow today, so I haven't made the decision as to whether I should buy a better bow yet. Mine looks and feels like crap, but maybe it will do for now. I am getting better sound than the couple of others who have picked it up, which makes me feel good. Mom picked it up tonight and made awful noises.. lol. Then I took it and kinda winged Twinkle Twinkle Little Star out of nowhere and rocked it. Mom was impressed and so was I! Hah. I'm proud, I actually figured out the whole song in one shot, just guessing where to put my fingers [based on the tape Annalisa put down, but using notes I haven't been taught yet]. I know it's silly, but I'm pretty excited. Lol.
Anyway, just thought I'd mention that and the fact that my room is less of a disaster 'cuz I've been cleaning and organizing a bit today. It looks much nicer than it did yesterday or the day before. I still have to tackle this computer desk.. Ugh. Maybe tomorrow. I need sleep before work.
Oh yeah, and Katy and I had our second lesson the other day! It was really good, she's a good teacher with a really good ear. We worked on Over the Rainbow and a sweet harmonized version of Amazing Grace. I'm pretty excited about that. I should have recorded our lesson so I can practice my warm-ups. Merr. I will next time.
Blue is dead asleep tonight. He had two half-hour walks today and a bunch of outside playtime. The poor thing is wiped out. And he keeps farting in his sleep. Oh man...
Apr. 5th, 2008
09:21 pm - school and stuff.
I've been wanting to go to school again. I guess I don't just want to go to school, but I have interests I'm willingly to pursue in that fashion again. I would really like to go to school for music, in addition to photography. I know it's something I could do if I try, and it's something I've always wanted to be able to do. This fall I'm going to take at least one of my prereqs for photo 3 [digital], as well as music theory 1 and ear training 1. Depending how violin goes and how much I like my teacher, I may start taking lessons at school too, so I can get credit for it and use it toward a music performance certificate. It would actually be pretty easy for me to get a music certificate. If I buckled down and took five classes a semester, I could have it by Christmas 2009. I have a few of the credits already, and the rest are classes I planned to take eventually anyway. I'll probably take it slow and just have three classes this fall, so I can still work as much as possible.
I didn't really know that ten credits ago I earned a certificate of general studies. Like, a few years ago. Hah. I didn't apply for it or whatever, but I suppose I could. Only 22 more credits 'til an associate's degree of general studies! lol.
So in a month or two I'll decide if I want to start taking violin at Macomb for the spring/summer "semester", and in the fall I'll start back to school for music and photography. I'm gonna start learning and reading as much about music theory as I can, so I don't feel so overwhelmed this time and quit. The last thing I quit should be quitting, right? Right. Or something.
Yay, working too much.
I'm tired.
09:11 pm
So, Stacy moved into Gregory's old room today. Mom and Greg took down the wallpaper, painted the walls [three white, one dark red], bought her a computer desk and chair, and finally moved her bed in there today. [We also now have a guest room, where the "hobby room" used to be.] It will probably be nice to have a whole room for my stuff and a bit of privacy, but I have to admit I'm a little bummed. There have only been about eight years in my entire life that she and I have not shared a bedroom. Kinda weird, huh? I've been getting used to laying in bed watching tv across the room from her and being able to talk and stuff. We bond. I still have the tv though, so she'll probably come hang out with me still.
Mom and Greg said my room is next. I've already moved my computer desk to where Stacy's bed was, but I'm not sure how I'll end up arranging the room. They said we're gonna paint too, so I need color suggestions! Man, it's gonna be nice having a whole closet and dresser. I like having the desk by the window now... but the internet stopped working 'cuz somethign broke. So that sucks... How much you wanna bet I'll have to pay to fix that? No, I didn't break it.
I tuned my violin yesterday all by myself. 'Cuz it was bugging me. I know, not a difficult task, but I'm proud of myself. Hah.
Apr. 2nd, 2008
Mar. 31st, 2008
09:46 pm - Hahaha...
My hand looks retarded.
I'm sitting here watching youtube videos of a violin teacher trying to explain how to hold a bow. So I've got my pencil in hand, trying to do what he says, as he refers to my hand as a bunny or itsy bitsy spider or something [he obviously teaches kids], and my mom is laughing at me 'cuz I look absolutely ridiculous. This is gonna be hard, lol.
Why isn't Wednesday here yet??
Mar. 30th, 2008
11:28 pm
Shark is gone, and we don't think he's coming back. :(
At least I have a picture to remember him by.
I make a LOT of typos lately. My brain doesn't work anymore.
P.S. Shark is one of Rip Hamilton's [yes, of the Detroit Pistons] pitbulls who was at the pet hotel for six months. He is the absolute sweetest dog who just wants love, but Rip doesn't want him so he never came to get him. Then his bordetella vaccine expired and he had to leave.
P.P.S. My "post script" is longer than the actual "script".
P.P.P.S. [Okay, maybe I just wanted to say ppp] I really hope Rip [or someone] actually finds Shark a good home and he doesn't just get put to sleep. Really really really hope.
12:25 pm
Well, I pick up my rental violin on Wednesday. They only had one full size and the bridge needed repair, which is why I don't have it yet. My lessons will begin the following Tuesday.
Music has always been my dream. Since I was a very little girl, it became my whole life, but always just in theory. I think, because it was so important to me to be great at singing or writing music or playing instruments [etc.], that I became too afraid of failing to ever really try my hardest and commit. I was thinking about all the bouts with music I have had, and they were all short lived. I took four voice lessons in middle school, I took one semester of voice in college, one semester of choir in college. True I took three years of choir in high school, but still. I took only a few flute lessons in 5th grade, only stayed in band for two years. I took one semester of piano 1. I tried to teach myself guitar several times, but always gave up after a few days. I think it really might just be that I am afraid to fail, so even though it might be backasswards, I end up quitting before I get to the point where one would realize 'wow... I really can't do this'.
Anyway. I keep hearing how difficult violin is going to be, and I know. And it's going to take a significant amount of time to even see progress. But I want to be talented at something beautiful. I want to love it and live music the way I always dreamed.
So, I'm going to try. And I guess that's all I can do. If I fail... well. I guess I still tried, right?
Mar. 28th, 2008
04:37 pm - diving in
So, I think I've made a decision. I know I do this quite often, and I just as often give up.. but I need to have a passion and a talent or at least an interest that I stick with. Every time I find something new that I want to try to get into, I'm over it within days. I give up too often, and where has that gotten me? I think back to when Katy and I were little kids dreaming about making it big and being musicians and singers and I look at the two different roads we've taken that have lead us to where we are today. She's almost got a bachelor's in music, she's teaching singing lessons, she can play several instruments, she's performing... She has done and is doing something about it, and I haven't. So, I've decided to try yet another musical interest and try my hardest to commit to something for once in my life. At first the idea was to play cello, but after a few days of thinking and weighing pros and cons and whatnot, I've decided to pick up violin. I have just as much passion for the sound, it's more portable, less costly, and basically fits my current lifestyle better, for the time being. I am going to eventually learn to play the cello because I have an entirely different passion for that instrument, probably when I have more money and my own place. But I'm going to learn violin first [I'm betting cello will actually be easier to learn after violin anyway]. It's actually very inexpensive to rent, and the place where I'll be renting from and taking lessons at is just around the corner from my house. Thoughts, please?
By the way, I am still trying to work on my singing. Katy and I have only had one lesson so far, but I'm determined to better my voice. That always was and always will be my first passion. I'm excited for the next lesson we have, she's a good teacher.
P.S. Rent August Rush. It's a beautiful movie.
Mar. 24th, 2008
12:30 pm
I'm having a very trying week. I have seven days straight of working a total of around 53 hours, but the streak will end Wednesday, so that's good. I got bit somewhat badly by a dog named Bojangles yesterday, 'cuz there was a fight between him and another dog and I was breaking it up. It doesn't hurt but it looks kinda bad. Luckily it's on the back of my thigh. Hah. But it didn't rip my pants, so I was able to go about my crazy shift as normal, after having to talk to Medcor for like fifteen minutes so they can't be sued or whatever. It was silly. They wanted me to go to the hospital but we were swamped at work and I couldn't leave them short staffed, so I stayed. I somehow am also getting my period when it's not supposed to come for a week and a half.. Perfect timing, right? Not really, but I'm over it. Yay, cramps. We have around a hundred dogs at work right now, due to the Easter holiday. By the end of the week things should be calming down, though.
My family had Easter breakfast on Saturday.. the day I worked 6am - 2pm, and had Easter dinner Sunday evening, when I worked 1pm - 8:30pm. I got to eat frozen/canned crap those days. :) I love my family sometimes. /sarcasm.
I'm extremely exhausted. I ended up sleeping over ten hours last night, but it wasn't even enough. Work is really tiring, and I'm not quite caught up on rest from Saturday. I got up at 4:45am that day, worked a really tough 8-hour shift, and ended up staying up 'til midnight 'cuz Katy had a show in Pontiac [I love watching her sing, she always surprises me with how much her voice has grown since the last time I've heard her], but by the time I parked my ass in the driveway at the end of the night, I was basically sleepwalking. But it's all good.
As tired as I've been and the way shitty thing after shitty thing has been happening, I'm surprisingly doing all right. Attitude-wise, I guess. I'm really looking forward to my one day off though. That'll be nice.
Blue threw up today. :(
Probably 'cuz he had so much Easter dinner last night. My dog ate better than I did yesterday. And the day before. 'Cuz I was at work, enjoying my leftover pizza and canned Dinty Moore stew while plumbers pulled shit out of a clogged drain in the breakroom with a really loud snake machine. :) But I'm not bitter. lol. Just venting. Have a nice day!
Mar. 20th, 2008
12:28 pm
Last night I had a long, troubling dream. I went on an adventure, and came back blind. I was trying to hide it from everyone, but started to realize just how helpless I had become. I couldn't do my job, I couldn't make my way through life without constant danger.. I was going to tell Katy, but I couldn't right away. I woke up really glad that I do have my sight. I couldn't bear to never see sunlight and green grass and blue sky again. I hope that I always have all of my senses. I guess I could do without smell.. but then it might effect taste, and that's no good. Something to think about, I guess. Enjoy your day. It's the first of spring, finally. :)
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